I’m here! I’m alive. I’m not planning on going anywhere. Promise.
March always seems to knock me flat onto my behind, as stated in this post. Typically, my rebound rate is roughly three days and then I’m back to my goofy, upbeat self. This year, I think I took on too much too fast, and I needed to clear my head and regain focus before I could continue with any of it. I spent the weekend of May 3rd at my best friend’s wedding in a tiny town in rural Illinois. And it was perfect, for at least 20 reasons.
Hilariously enough, this tiny country town where I spent the weekend is really only an hour from my house. But being in a simple place where life just isn’t as fast-paced and pressurized made me realize just how much strain I was feeling and how relieving it felt to let it go.
I’m reinventing.
Or really, just hoping to land closer to home this time. I feel like what I was doing here is not really what I want to be doing, or at least not the way I want to do it. I don’t want long, complicated hours of blog post editing. I want simple. I want quick, easy ways to share myself and my ideas and vision with the world. I want to document my life for myself, for my kids, for anyone else who wants to read it. I want to work, but I don’t want to stuff my wild self into a blah 9-5 (or similarly long hours) type of job. That’s the reason I never pursued a full-time job outside home in the first place. I have got to find a way to make this work on terms that fit into my lifestyle. I have got to find ways to reach my goals without stifling the part of me that doesn’t want to be boxed in!
It’s hard knowing where to start as a blogger/designer/hopeful-artist in a niche that is already, frankly, oversaturated. My opinion is that if I can’t contribute anything new or useful to the conversation, I’m going to stay out of it. Good ideas don’t need to be said five different ways by fifty different people.
I really should just accept, once and for all, that I am unconventional and not usually completely understood, that I prefer to lead and not follow, that I am bold and sometimes loud, and sometimes it offends. It’s because I like to push people out of their comfort zones to get to the heart of who they are and to better understand and connect. Some people don’t want their buttons pushed; they’d prefer to stay nestled deep in their cozy box of unexamined living.
I call those people boring.
I find that you can’t have a breakthrough without a bit of tension first. I love discovering more about people, and you can’t get close without asking those uncomfortable questions, without poking people a bit to test their limits and see what’s really underneath. During a conversation with two male friends at a party several months ago, the topic landed on one man’s love life (or lack thereof) and as usual, I started playing therapist, to get to the truth behind why it had been stagnant for so long. With a couple
The other man said something like, “Wow, you are breaking him wide open!” And he was right. A new form of respect for one another was gained that night, the kind of respect that comes from seeing those hidden vulnerabilities in a person. It’s the kind of connection that can’t be forged without getting your hands a bit messy. And I’d like to think that perhaps that first man is more on his way to getting to where he wants to be, having now been willing to admit these things that were standing in his way.
It’s what I do. I like to connect, not on a superficial level, but on a level that leaves everyone changed for the better. My goal is to grow in knowledge and as a person, and I want to help others achieve that, too. It’s not comfortable. Sometimes there are tinges of pain before the growth. But I cannot do small talk. It’s either get in deep, or don’t get in at all.
I just can’t handle the feeling of doing something halfheartedly. A firecracker like me simply is not cut out for feeling things only halfway.
I'll be updating my branding, blog design, and overall aesthetic in the weeks to come. For now, it's enough for me to know that the change has taken place and is still actively happening. Behind the scenes for now, soon everywhere else.
Look out, world. I’m back.
